The Limit Makes or Breaks the Relationship You can keep asking about it, and if it’s refused then as a responsible Top you must continue to honour the limit. In this case you are keeping a “hard limit” soft. You can reserve the right to keep asking about something, if you feel that at some time in the future the bottom’s limits may change. I Wish To Keep This on the Negotiating Table What’s the difference? There are two situations where this can work: However, you do have the right to say “for us to have a relationship, this particular thing cannot be a hard limit for you”.

Both parties have the right to say that there are some things that they simply won’t do. HOW A TOP CAN DEAL WITH LIMITSĪs a Top, you do not have the right to say “you are not allowed to have any limits”. They consent to the initiation of change. The bottom wants, and consents to, having their limits “acted upon by an outside force”. Sometimes, people desire an external force to help them create change in their lives.Ĭonsent doesn’t disappear in these situations. It can foster greater vulnerability, growth, knowledge and intimacy between two people who trust each other.īDSM is often a tool to break Newton’s Law. Giving someone authority to push your limits is seldom about a superficial power trip. This can include “stretching” or “pushing” your limits. PERMISSION TO PUSHĪn object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an outside forceĮveryone’s relationship is unique, and the deeper the trust and respect you have for another person, who has taken the time to get to understand you, the more power or authority you may wish to give them. Consent for a whipping scene is conditional on (verbal or non-verbal) communication within the scene and trust that when the limit becomes clearer and is communicated it will be respected. That’s a form of soft limit, and again it comes down to responsibility and consent. For example, a bottom may love the idea of being whipped, but not know how far they can go in that scene. If someone says they are not willing or interested in a certain thing, it’s the responsibility of a Top to respect that. Regardless of how hard, soft, rubbery, elastic or otherwise limits are, it’s up to the person who set it to determine when, with whom or whether they want to “push it”. In the right circumstances they might be hot, but not with someone you don’t have a significant level of trust and intimacy with. Soft Limits (or Conditional Limits) are limits that we might agree to adjust, modify or re-negotiate with the right person, at the right time, in the right place or in the right circumstances.Īnal sex and photography are common soft limits. They exist for things that will change that person’s self perception negatively (such as evoking shame or disgust), cause emotional pain or bring about consequences they couldn’t live with.Ĭommon hard limits are children, animals, scat, blood and drugs, but every person has the right to set their own limits, to state and enforce them, and to have them respected. Hard Limits (or Off Limits) are those things that a person will not do under any circumstances. You don’t need to sit down and draft out some kind of written agreement on limits, but everyone has the right to refuse to consent to anything, and stating that something is a limit is basically a shorthand way of refusing that consent upfront.

Limits and consent are basically the same thing. It doesn’t matter whether you’re communicating with negotiated safe words, normal conversation, body language or telepathy, if you trust that communication is effective and you are safe with your partner, then there is responsibility and consent. They always feel safe, and the reason for that is that they trust that there is communication and it is being respected. You never hear CNC people saying “I feel totally unsafe with my partner and that’s hot”.

Nearly always, what they’re really saying is that they have total trust in their partner and over time they’ve built up a kind of telepathic awareness in the relationship, so verbal communication isn’t as necessary anymore. In Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) groups you’ll hear people bragging about how they have no limits and no power, because they have given it all to their Dom. A bottom can’t say “just go ahead and do whatever you want, and I’ll let you know later if you went too far, when I call the cops”, and a Top can’t say “once we start there’s nothing you can say to stop Me, and I’ll go as far as I want”. LET’S TALK ABOUT CONSENTĬonsent flows both ways and both parties have to retain both responsibility and consent. Should I put my red flag away now? You will hear “I wanna push your limits” from some Dom at some stage, so I think it’s worthwhile talking about what that really means.

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